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<button class= "astext">[[Press Here to Start->Start]]
Asscat is a text-based adventure game about an ass trapped in the body of a cat. It was created by Dustin Triplett on <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/InternationalCatDay?src=hash">#InternationalCatDay</a> for <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TextJam2015?src=hash">#TextJam2015</a>.
After sleeping for 16 hours, you develop a hankering to do something productive at 3:25 in the morning. However, you are most unsure of what. You ponder going outside and hunting wild game for sport. The world is your oyster.
The humans you ever so kindly adopted are known to wake up for their daily commute at 7:00am. Late last night, they came stumbling in, rudely disrupting you from your twelfth meal. In mid-chew, the short female picked you up and forced you to play with a dead bird on a string amid your oral bliss.
Maybe it is time to show them who is the alpha of this household.
<button class= "astext">[[Let the humans sleep for once]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Cut your losses|Kill the humans]]</button>You decide to allow the humans to sleep for once, but your act of kindness is vastly ignored. Their snoring intensifies to unbearable levels. The noises they are making are hard to describe. In layman’s terms, they sound like two gorillas trying to preform a trombone duet with their nostrils.
You know what has to be done.
<button class= "astext">[[Kill the humans]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Slap the venetian blinds to ward off evil spirits]]</button>In an act of aggression, you violently pounce on the small female human. The wild instincts instilled upon you by your ancestors taught you to go for the smallest game first.
Using your revered pinpoint accuracy, you jab her stomach rapidly with one paw after the other. To insure she suffers, you slowly unsheathe your claws as you prod her, then retract, and draw them out once more. Her death will be most slow and painful!
Unexpectedly, four minutes of violent stabbing did nothing but wake her up from her slumber. She smiles at you and calls you a “good kitty.” What is this mockery!?
<button class= "astext">[[Purr as a sign of ill will toward her very existence]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Meow urgent demands at her]]</button>You tilt your head back, rub it against her face, and begin to purr the purrs of a thousand dying suns.
It is super ineffective. Despite your most violent threats against her useless life, she continues to cat-handle you. She is too ignorant to realize that calling you cute will not subdue your wrath.
Filled with a burning rage, you threaten her entire family. Your claws begin to dig into her soft body as your purring reaches its apex. Then you lose control of your body and general motor skills.
Your human begins to scratch you behind your ears. You temporarily lose control of your cursed body, contining to purr despite recognizing your failure. All you can do is purr, look adorable, and pray to the gods that she gets a text message from her other boyfriend.
<button class= "astext">[[Purr]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Meow|Meow urgent demands at her]]</button>
In an attempt to shame her, you run into the bathroom and meow furiously. She is hesitant at first, but your human soon succumbs to your command, gets out of bed, and makes her way to the bathroom. Upon her entering your bathroom, you dart in between her legs, nearly knocking her over.
You make your way to the kitchen, where you continue to meow like a dying cow moos. You here her frustrated clops making there way to the kitchen. You brace yourself. As she rounds the corner, you dart back into the bedroom. She is your puppet, and you are the puppet master. You meow once more.
<button class= "astext">[[Make her feed you]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Make her watch you poop]]</button>Oh, joy! It looks like you are having hard food for dinner! Again. You despise your humans more each day. You know it would not financially bankrupt their wallets to spurge on some wet food once in a blue moon. After all you do for them…
You deserve some wet food. How dare they be so ungrateful to only bestow it upon you on your birthday and Christmas. That’s not even your birthday. And you're Jewish!
<button class= "astext">[[Eat the dry food]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Get the human’s attention]]</button>You swallow your pride and eat the dry food. You do not have to like it, but you do have to eat. It has been a while. At least an hour.
Violently crunching on your fish-shaped cereal, you ponder your next course of action. As you plan your human's demise you feel a rumbling in your tummy. You know what this means.
<button class= "astext">[[Release the kraken|Make her watch you poop]]</button>Now you are hungry and angry. You are hangry. Your last meal was a whooping 45 minutes ago. It is time to acquire some real food or die trying.
You realize that your best chance at getting some wet food would be to notify your human of your hunger. However, humans are dimwitted creatures unable to comprehend the smallest meow. How will you get her attention?
<button class= "astext">[[Knock stuff down]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Throw up]]</button> (Dead End ATM)
<button class= "astext">[[Give up|Eat the dry food]]</button>You thought you heard something outside of the bedroom window. Something ghastly. You launch off the bed, hover across the floor, and spawn on top of the dresser conveniently placed under the window sill. Suddenly, you see movement on the other side.
Without a second thought, you slap the shit out of the venetian blinds for one minute straight. The movement stops. You slowly pull down one of the blinds to peer though. Your eyes meet.
It's a pigeon.
<button class= "astext">[[Sing it the song of your people]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Commence Operation Feather Fluffer]]</button>The faintest of chirps chatter from your lips, unable to lure the pigeon into a musical trance. Despite knowing you would never be an opera singer, you at least thought you could sing about as well as Taylor Swift. After all, everyone knows she is about as musically competent as a walling cat.
The bird stares at you in confusion, ever so slightly tilting its head from side to side.
<button class= "astext">[[Commence Operation Feather Fluffer]]</button>You flatten your body against the window sill the best you can. In your mind, you are nothing more than a blade of grass, a piece of paper, or Obama’s approval rating. However, today is not your day.
The pigeon grows bored of your antics and goes back to picking the insects from its delicious feathered flesh and bones.
To ignore death is a fools decision, as this flying rodent will soon learn. You hop down from the window sill and plot the leisurely stroll that’ll end with a meal.
<button class= "astext">[[Check for an open window]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Go eat from your food dish instead|Go eat from your food bowl]]</button>Like a fat kid who heard the sweet sound of an ice cream truck’s jingle, you desperately search for an out. Your human’s confined living corridors has five windows. Naturally, not a single one is open enough for your fat ass to slither through.
[[Get the human’s attention]]You continue to purr uncontrollably. All while wishing for the sweet release of death. Luckily, the golden hobbit received a Facebook notification. The miracle of social media allows you to escape from the harsh reality of your life.
Down on the floor, you make your way for the door. All that purring has made you hungry.
<button class= "astext">[[Go eat from your food bowl]]</button>You place your paw on you food dish and apply just enough pressure to flip it over on its side. From there, you roll it across the kitchen, clanking it against something at each and every opportunity.
Your noise summons your human. She quickly gets the hint and reaches into the cabinet to pull out the cat food. She shakes it like an edible maraca before filling up your bowl.
<button class= "astext">[[Eat the food->Go eat from your food bowl]]</button>Your human reaches down to pick you up but you leap through her arms, climb down her leg, and run into the bathroom. You hear her scream explicitly from the other room before following you in the bathroom. She thinks she has you cornered, but she could not have been more wrong. It is you who has her cornered.
In her mind, she is the one who trained you to poop using the toilet. You poop where you damn well please. It just so happens you are civilized enough to poop like a champion. You hop onto the toilet seat and await your treat. She doesn’t seem interested in the meows coming out of your mouth, so you meow louder.
Finally, she retreats to the living room where the treats are stored. You hear her open the treat drawer, shake the bag, and start to walk back. Your body trembles in excitement. You can feel the poop working its way up through your tiny innards.
She rests a lone treat on the toilet seat.
<button class= "astext">[[Eat it]]</button>
<button class= "astext">[[Poop|Poop off the toilet]]</button>Asscat
* Written and created by Dustin Triplett
* Twine created by Chris Klimas
* SugarCube 2.x created by Thomas Michael Edwards
* TextJam hosted by Danny Perski You gobble up the treat from the edge of the toilet seat. This was not your proudest moment. But it doesn’t matter. You got a treat. Now, however, is the time to remind this discolored Smurf who’s the captain of the S.S. Shit.
<button class= "astext">[[Poop off the toilet]]</button>You stare deep into your human’s eyes. She stares back with a smile. That smiles turns upside down as you start to twirl around. Your asshole hovers over the edge of the toilet. You are prairie dogging.
Suddenly, the prairie dog decides to come home, dropping to the floor. A loud splatter accompanies your accomplishment. Your human is mortified and gags a little while she reaches for the toilet paper to clean it up. Now she is down on all fours like a cat. Only you aren’t the one cleaning up shit.
<button class= "astext">[[Go to sleep]]</button>Knocking stuff down always seems to work, so you decide now is the optimal time to do so. You hop up on the kitchen countertop and knock down the largest pot you can find.
Unfortunately, your human has not cleaned her pot in a week. The loud clank is accompanied by a slop of moldy spaghetti splashing across the floor and wall. The rancid smell quickly reaches your nostrils. You begin to gag.
[[Try not to throw up|Throw up]] (Dead End ATM)The noises you emit from your mouth can best be described as the greatest dubstep record by the artist known as Skrillex. In fact, you expect a record deal any moment now as you continue to gag mad beats. Suddenly, the bass drops in the form of regurgitated dry food, plastic, and hair.
Your human enters the room appalled and sighs heavily as she finds some paper to clean up your colorful mess. After throwing it away, she looks at you and starts to approach.
<button class= "astext">[[Make a break for it|Make her watch you poop]]</button>You had a big day, so now it is time to go to sleep. You pity the amount of tomfoolery your human has to put up with and accept that it shows her loyalty and devotion to the feline cause. She enters the room looking defeated.
You internally sigh and roll over on your back, exposing your most vulnerable spot. If you were a boss fight in a video game, your belly would be where the player would shoot. She gives your belly a light rub, kisses your forehead, and says goodnight.
You hop on top of her belly, knead it like a ball of dough, and rest your head on her chest. The two of you drift away to slumber town together with legitimate purrs and happiness filling the air.
It’s good to be a cat.